Humorous | Simply Blessed

10 Things That Really Annoy Me

Apr 082010

1. Barney Frank.

He’s just obnoxious and his lisp makes me wanna smack the crap out of him. I know that’s mean, but I simply cannot help it!

2. “Super Christians”.

You know the type. The ones who are at church every time the doors are open but are the most judgmental, non Christian acting people you know.

3. Cramps.

Seriously Eve. Did you have to eat the damned apple?

4. Men.

I love my husband but sometimes he just doesn’t listen to what I say. It’s annoying to me that I talk about something over and over and over and my husband still can’t get the facts straight.

5. Calories.

I hate that all the good tasting foods are high in calories. Why can’t chocolate just be non caloric?! I don’t want to eat celery all day long for goodness sake!

6. Ants.

It’s that most wonderful time of the year again when they start coming INSIDE my house again. Bastards. This is my house. If you enter it, you will DIE. I will try to make your demise as swift and painless as I can.

7. Empty containers left in the fridge.

Come on people. It’s not hard. If you get the last caprisun or drink the last freaking coke- throw the damn container away!

8. Old drivers.

I know I will be there one day but I’m not yet and they annoy the hell out of me! If you’re sooo old that you are afraid to drive over the speed of 30 mph- give up your license already!

9. Speed traps.

Yes, officer. I’m talking to you. Don’t sit there with your laser gun pointed at me hoping to catch me going over the speed limit. Why don’t you just go stuff your face at Dunkin’ Donuts and call it a day.

10. Mosquitoes.

I will never understand why Noah didn’t just make them extinct while there were only two of them on the Ark.

So what about you? What annoys you?

A Funny…

6 Responses »

Jul 302009

Just because I’m in that kind of silly mood right now…no matter how many times I’ve seen this pic over the years, it still cracks me up. I’m posting it just in case some of you haven’t ever seen it ;)

Why Men Should NEVER Wear Red Bike Shorts!

That picture makes me *snicker* like a school girl!!! Hope you are giggling too- Happy Thursday Everybody :)

Dear Aunt Flow,

3 Responses »

Jul 242009

Here we are again, it’s that time of the month. We have had a long relationship, but I need to clarify some things with you so this is why I am writing.

1) We are not friends, I know you will come to see me many more times, but please keep the visits short and to the point.

2) Please arrive at a decent hour. I do not like to have my sleep interrupted by anyone, I tolerate the 4 am baby wake up, but you coming in at 2 am is just uncalled for. And for that matter, show up when you are expected… your late arrival has been known to cause panic attacks!

3) I realize you are here, you do not need to announce your presence with cramping, constipation, irritability, headaches, and fatigue.

4) After 5 days you are really overstaying your welcome.

5) Arriving when you know I have plans for vacation, a night out, etc. is inappropriate.

6) Please allow yourself to be contained by ultra tampons. I simply refuse to double up and wear a pad that reaches from belly button to ass crack. There is no need to force yourself out into the world and I really can’t afford new underwear right now.

If you strive to follow these simple instructions I will try not to complain about you too much. We will have to deal with each other I know, but let’s work together to make this relationship as easy on both of us as possible.

Thanks!

Have you Ever…3rd edition!

3 Responses »

Jul 232009

~Looked at your child’s public school supply list and wondered what the heck your taxes pay for? I have

~Had to go to the bathroom but held it till the absolute last moment because you were so into facebook and didn’t want to get up? I have

~Jumped for joy because Barney was coming on and you knew you’d have at least 30 minutes of peace and quiet? I have

~Wanted to get your nose pierced? I have

~Let the little kids dump out all of the toy boxes on the floor to keep them busy just so you can blog? I have

~Un-friended your own Brother in Law on facebook because he deleted one of your comments? I have

~Gone several days without getting out of your bed clothes? I have

~Thought the end of a circumcised penis looks an awful lot like a fireman’s hat? I have

~Heard your 19 month old screaming “I pee there! I pee there!” and then find that she had taken her diaper off and peed on YOUR bed? I have

~Gone to Moe’s for “free kids meal Wednesdays“, only to get there and find out it’s Thursday? I have

~Wondered why the heck you were getting all these weird looks at Walmart only to look down and notice your boobs have leaked milk and there are two large, wet circles where your nips are? I have

~Licked your thumb to clean your child’s face even though you said as a child you’d NEVER do that! I have

~Thanked God that your teenage son was spending the night with a friend because you know it means one night of no drama? I have

~Planned on putting your ex’s phone number instead of yours on all of your teenage son’s school paperwork so that when he gets in trouble it’s not YOU they call? I have

So what about you… HAVE YOU EVER?

Dear Walmart,

7 Responses »

Jul 142009

First of all, I do not understand why you title the people standing at the door Greeters since they never greet me. Is their only purpose to stand there and make sure nobody is shoplifting? If so, then please change their title to “Shoplifter Police” because very few of them have ever looked my way, let alone said “Hello”- which to my understanding is a greeting.

As I wandered aimlessly through the aisles of your store with kids in tow, looking for the quinoa, I made the mistake of asking a few of your employees for help. One gave me attitude, the other rolled their eyes and looked at me like I had just said a swear word, another just ignored me all together. I guess I got the last laugh though since Makenzie busted open that big jar of spaghetti sauce on aisle 5, not to mention that whole container of nonpareils she also flung out of the cart that exploded everywhere while I tried to locate that quinoa- which by the way is on aisle 4. You may want to inform your employees what quinoa is and where it’s located… after they clean up Makenzie’s mess that is.

By the time I got to the checkout, I was frustrated from shopping with the kids and the lack of help but still mustered a smile for the attendant. Not that she knew though, since she never once made eye contact with me. In fact, the only time she spoke was when she told me the total and rudely reminded me to push the cashback button since I was busy trying to get Devin out of the candy since you so nicely place it at his level hoping I will buy it just to shut him up please him. As I tried to get all the bags in the cart I was nice and said “thank you” to the attendant, but apparently someone had pissed in her cornflakes that morning since she didn’t speak again and just walked off. Apparently I was lucky enough to be her last customer before her break.

As if the shopping experience wasn’t enough, I pass by the “Greeter” who decided to finally speak to me. He stops me and asks for my receipt because apparently a Mom with two little kids in tow is first on the shoplifter profile. Unfortunately while trying to get Devin out of the candy, I shoved the receipt in a bag- so I’m left to wander through all of my bags to find it. Of course I finally find it in the last one, as several other people pass out of the store without being checked. Mr. “Shoplifting Policeman” probably missed an actual shoplifter by making me search for that damn receipt while my kids ran wild, and how the heck do they really know if you shoplifted or not since they just look at the receipt and then glance at your bags? It’s not like he took it all out and checked off each item on the list…

So as you see, Dear Walmart… I think you stink. My shopping experience is never a good one when I come to your store. The only reason I go there at all is because as a Mom with five kids, I need to find the best deals there are and unfortunately most of them are at your store. I just wish you could make the shopping experience a little more enjoyable or at least hire some people who have personality or at the very least employees who have manners!