This is really hard for me to admit, but I’ve suffered for years from an eating disorder. I have self diagnosed myself as a part time anorexic and a part time binge eater. My weight has always fluctuated thanks to this. For months, I will survive on barely 500 calories a day and strictly control everything I put into my mouth. I also go through periods where I will workout like a mad woman. Then, I lose control and begin to binge… or basically eat anything and everything I want. Sometimes this goes on for months. Which of course ends up in weight gain… and then I get to the point where I’m totally disgusted with myself and the anorexic cycle begins again.

I don’t really make a great anorexic. I mean, I’m great at not eating, but I will NOT puke unless it’s absolutely necessary. Don’t worry- I’ve only done it a few times in my life (on purpose) and found that it’s honestly not worth it. I’d much rather swallow some laxatives and simply just not eat. I know. You don’t have to preach to me. This is not a healthy way to be. I get it. I really do. Do I want my girls to get this from me? Hell no. Both my older girls seem to have a healthy relationship with food thus far and both seem to love their bodies. Hell, I did too before kids (well…not really. I’ve pretty much always had body issues). Having a baby at 18 pretty much ruined all the good I had going on there. LOL

Actually, I can track my eating disorder beginnings to after having my first baby. I had never had a problem with weight before that, so when I gained 70 lbs during pregnancy, I just assumed it would all come off by the time I came home from the hospital. Needless to say- no such luck. I had a hard time losing any, and if that weren’t enough, I got pregnant with my second child when my first was only 5 months old. After my second was born, is truly when my eating disorder began. I was desperate to lose weight at any cost. I actually remember losing about 40 lbs in one month. Do you want to know how? By not eating. Anything. Almost. Unless you count a half of a can of tuna per day for a month. Yep, that was it. And I worked out too. I swear I almost killed myself. I remember my then in laws had to come get me and the kids and take us to their house to stay for a bit because I was so weak I couldn’t take care of my own kids. They had no idea why I was so weak. I just told them I must have a stomach flu. I was always good at hiding it.

My ideal weight (in my mind) would be about 100 lbs. I was happiest and thought I looked the best at that weight. But if I’m completely honest, I’m never really satisfied. I can always find issue with some part of my body. I’ve been as small as a girls size 14/16 and still complained about being fat. Right now, I’m at 114- so you can imagine I’m trying to lose. Over the summer I had been binging and had gained up to 123. I finally got disgusted with myself and began “eating right” again… that’s what I like to call it. I’ve lost 9 lbs in four weeks. That’s not too drastic. I’m trying to get to my “goal” by doing it a bit healthier this time, but the old demons always come back to haunt me. It’s so much easier not to eat much than to try to eat all those calories you’re supposed to eat and then try to burn them off.

Losing weight is addictive. I thrive on comments from others when I lose. Whenever anyone tells me, “Wow- you are so tiny!” or “you sure do lose weight quickly!” … it just makes me want to lose more. But, if they don’t say anything then I figure I must have gained or they think I’m fat and so I “punish” myself and still try to lose more. It’s sad that I need that kind of acknowledgement from others. I really wish I didn’t care so much. My Dad was always good at pushing me forward about the weight loss. He also cared greatly about his looks and weight and would always notice if I had lost. I don’t blame him for the way I am… after all, it has been my choice to go this road over the years.

Most people who know me think I’m at a healthy weight. Thanks to my binging from time to time, I’m not the “anorexic” looking girl with her bones sticking out. So I easily hide my eating disorder from everyone. It’s probably more detrimental in the long run though… because it goes unnoticed. I’m sure those of you reading this will actually be in shock if you know me in real life.

I think most of America has an eating disorder though. I mean, most people are overweight. In my opinion, that is just as much of an eating disorder as anorexia. It’s just binging without the purging or anorexic cycling like I do. And it’s just as unhealthy.