Dear Aunt Flow,

Here we are again, it’s that time of the month. We have had a long relationship, but I need to clarify some things with you so this is why I am writing.

1) We are not friends, I know you will come to see me many more times, but please keep the visits short and to the point.

2) Please arrive at a decent hour. I do not like to have my sleep interrupted by anyone, I tolerate the 4 am baby wake up, but you coming in at 2 am is just uncalled for. And for that matter, show up when you are expected… your late arrival has been known to cause panic attacks!

3) I realize you are here, you do not need to announce your presence with cramping, constipation, irritability, headaches, and fatigue.

4) After 5 days you are really overstaying your welcome.

5) Arriving when you know I have plans for vacation, a night out, etc. is inappropriate.

6) Please allow yourself to be contained by ultra tampons. I simply refuse to double up and wear a pad that reaches from belly button to ass crack. There is no need to force yourself out into the world and I really can’t afford new underwear right now.

If you strive to follow these simple instructions I will try not to complain about you too much. We will have to deal with each other I know, but let’s work together to make this relationship as easy on both of us as possible.

Thanks!

© 2009, Michelle. All rights reserved.