This weekend the family and I will be going to the town where I spent most of my formative years. I must admit the closer it gets, the more I’m having mixed feelings about it. On one hand, I’m super excited to go and see how much it’s changed. I’ve been longing to take the kids there and let them experience some of the mountain life I grew up in.
But on the other hand, I haven’t been to Hiawassee since my brother Richard, David and I cleaned out my Dad’s house. That was 4 years ago- and we didn’t stop anywhere that day. We just cleaned out his things and left. I know I’m going to have to face the fact that I’m in Hiawassee and my Dad isn’t there. No house to go visit, no seeing him standing waving bye to the kids and doing his goofy gestures… nothing. I’m desperately dreading that part.
I am glad my kids will get to see their Great Grandmother who just turned 91. She has never even met Makenzie, so I’m quite excited for that. My mother still lives in Hiawassee too, and the little kids are thrilled they get to see Meemaw.
I guess I’m just overwhelmed with emotions as I think about going home. Growing up there, in a small town- wasn’t easy for me. I didn’t think I ever fit in. I never once dated any guy from my own school. Not that I didn’t date, mind you- I just wasn’t into anyone I went to school with and they weren’t into me. I always dated older boys, or boys who went to other schools. I didn’t make it easy on myself either. I wasn’t the straight and narrow kid I should have been. I got myself into quite a bit of trouble all the time from time to time and everyone in town knew it. I’m sure there were many a chat about my weekend activities over Monday morning biscuits and gravy ;)
The thoughts of going back there awakens all the insecurities I had way back when. I’m so sure of myself now and feel pretty confident in who I am and honestly could care less if anyone likes me or not- but for some reason I’m fearing that going back home will make me feel 16 again. Awkward. Self conscience. Not sure of myself. I’m afraid that when I’m in Hiawassee I will not feel like the grown up, proud mother of five that I am, but the teacher’s kid who got pregnant her senior year. Will people who weren’t nice to me in school, not be nice to me now if I see them on the street? Will people still whisper about me when I walk by them?
I can’t believe after all these years, I feel this way. How very weird. It’s like reliving your awkward childhood years all over again. And I wouldn’t go back and do it again for anything. Now don’t get me wrong, I like who I am and I’m proud of who I’ve become. Where I’ve been and my actions are what has made me… well, me! I wouldn’t trade a thing. I’ve learned from each and every mistake I’ve made along the way.
So, if I see anyone whispering behind my back while I am in Hiawassee, I’m going to tell them to shut the f*** up I’m just going to assume they are wondering if I am that beautiful red haired chick who has five kids and that awesome blog everyone loves to read ;)
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5 Responses to “Going Home”
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Going home is always a mixture for me too. Mine is a different mixture, but know that you are not alone and this is normal. I hope that the visit is fantastic.
well…i love you the way you are and definately dont care about what you may or may not have been/done in your past. if “people” see you any differently than who you are today, then screw ‘em! Good luck and please please please ENJOY your weekend with your kids!!
I can’t even imagine what it would be like to go back after 4 years and after such a great loss…
I pray that you all have a wonderful trip and that everyone finds healing and love!
I found you through Cascia’s blog.
There’s plenty of people I could care less to see from high school. I’m from here but I hardly ever see anyone from high school.
You know – it’s really hard to date in a school where you’ve been in the same building since kindergarten. I don’t care how much you change inside – those around you will always see you as the one who ____*fill in the blank with something you did when you were in 4th grade*___. If it makes you feel better – I used to just think of you as Richard’s little sister but now I know you are the sassy one of the two! Tell him I said hello.