A letter to my Dad

Dear Dad,

You were early 40′s when my brother and I were born – You had already lived a whole lifetime before we even came along. You had been an alcoholic but you stopped drinking cold turkey because Mom threatened to take us and leave if you didn’t. I guess you waited so long to have kids, that when you finally had them you were terrified to lose us. When Richard was 4 and I was 2, you gave up your corporate job in Louisville, KY and moved to Hiawasse, GA, a teeny little mountain town far away from any city. You went back to school and became a teacher because you wanted us to grow up in a small town- away from the hustle and bustle of the big city.

Growing up as your daughter was not easy. You weren’t the youngest Dad and you most definitely weren’t the coolest Dad around – Lord knows you embarrassed me too many times to count while I was in high school. It was hard on me being an awkward teenager and having my Dad teach at my school. I used to hate the way you would meet me at the end of the lunch line everyday just to say hello. I also despised the way you would come out and watch the buses pull off when I went on a field trip, and how you still called me Little Bit, the nickname you gave me when I was little… I was a teenager for goodness sake! You definitely knew how to cramp my style. You did know how to spoil me though. I got a car for my 16th birthday – as did my brother although his first car was way cooler than mine. You presented me with an old, brown Honda civic when my brother’s first car was a white Pontiac fiero… but who’s holding grudges?! You made it up to me not a year later with a bright red Honda prelude :) You always went without so that me and Richard could have. We both worked and tried to help out as well, but you always made sure we had what we needed and some of what we wanted. When you and Mom split up and she remarried it was hard on all of us. I know Richard and I were so embarrassed and you must have been devastated. It broke my heart to see you go through that.

I’m sure I was an embarrassment to you when I got pregnant my senior year of high school. I know you had much higher dreams for me- but I’ve had a happy life and do enjoy being a Mom. I’m just sad I never lived up to your expectations. I think I am successful- just not the way you thought I would be. I’m sorry I never got that college diploma. I know you really wanted me to.

As you grew older, there were lots of times I didn’t see you very much. I was always too busy it seems. You came to my house quite a bit though and your grand kids enjoyed you so much. You had heart attack after heart attack and always bounced back so I just assumed you’d be okay… until that one you had in October 2004. I remember that day so well. It was the day before Halloween and I was at work when Mom called to tell me that you had been walking by the hospital (of all places) and had a massive heart attack. It didn’t look good she said. I remember leaving work and going straight to Emory in Atlanta where they life flighted you. Talk about perfect timing, but I was there when they wheeled you into the ICU. I thought I would be so strong, but when I saw you lifeless on that gurney I almost lost my footing. The nurse told me to go around to the family waiting area and once they stabilized you, they’d come update me. I was there all alone since David stayed with the kids and Richard wasn’t there. He just couldn’t handle it. I waited for what seemed like hours, but I’m sure it wasn’t. The DR had ordered a brain scan for you since you had been without oxygen for a bit until they had gotten you back. I was told the news alone- that you were brain damaged and most likely would never be the same again. I vaguely remember them mentioning DNR and what your wishes were, did you have a will… it’s all so blurry.

The next few weeks were rough. Richard and I had to scurry to have someone at your bedside at all times. Since you had brain damage you were unable to be left alone. You’d get out of bed, fight with the nurses, pull out your IV’s… it was a true nightmare. I remember I was sitting with you one night alone and we were talking and you grabbed my arm and screamed at me. I lost it… It was so scary seeing you so different. It’s like your body was there, but it wasn’t you. I also remember thinking that it would have just been better if God had taken you when you had the heart attack- why did he let you suffer (and us suffer) like this? I had to mourn my Father’s death, but you hadn’t died. Just some of your brain had. We ended up getting a pacemaker put in and you made enough of a recovery so that you could be transferred to a special care nursing home.

To our complete amazement, after you were transferred to that nursing home, you actually began to regain some of your “self”. Your brain damage was actually getting somewhat better and you were beginning to recognize us again and were talking normally. By New Years, you were doing so well that we were actually able to transfer you to the assisted living home. It was so nice to have you back- at least for the most part. You had your days when you talked a bit crazy, but for the most part you were yourself. You had begun going on walks again and loved being part of that assisted living community.

I remember we told you I was pregnant on my birthday- July 4th, 2005. You were so excited and congratulated David and announced it to your whole assisted living community. We had gone to find out the sex of the baby a few days after your birthday in Sept. 2005 and you had gone with us. We didn’t know it at the time but they had screwed up the sex as they told us Devin was a girl… lol. I remember you telling David that having a girl would be great because David had thought for sure it would be a boy. Four days later, I remember having the dire urge to come and see you. The older kids were at church and I was doing some errands. I was right next door to your assisted living facility and I didn’t come. I told myself I’d just call you and would take you to get a haircut the next day. So that’s what I did- I called you. We talked for ten minutes or so. I told you I’d be over the next day after work to take you for a haircut. You laughed again at David being still freaked out it was a girl and before we hung up you said “I love you, Little Bit”. I told you I loved you too and then we hung up. That was the last time I would ever talk to you.

A little past ten that evening, your number came up on caller ID. When I answered it, it wasn’t you. It was Richard. He’d received a call from the nurse that you had been found dead in your room not long after I had talked to you. I was in shock. I immediately regretted not going to see you when I knew I should have. Had that been God pushing me to go see you… I guess I will never know. I still dwell on that to this day. It makes me so sad that you never got to find out Devin was actually a boy- or meet him. I do think that you are the reason we did finally get our little girl though. When we found out Makenzie was truly a girl, I just pictured you sitting up in Heaven laughing at David and so glad he finally got a Little Bit like you had.

You see Dad, you- with all your flaws and embarrassing ways, truly were a great Father to Richard and I. Not a day goes by that I don’t think about you or miss you. Sometimes I actually even think of calling you and then realize that I can’t. I hope you are looking down on me and are proud of who I am and who I became and are proud of the five beautiful grandkids I gave you- two of which you never met on this earth.

Happy Father’s Day Dad-

I love you ~

© 2009, Michelle. All rights reserved.